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AITAH for declining to be my friend's maid of honor because her wedding was 9 days after my due date?
When my friend (we'll call her Jane) got engaged, she asked me to be her maid of honor. At that time, I said yes as I wasn't pregnant yet. Well, fast forward to March when I was beginning to tell people that I was pregnant...
I get this message from her: "I just wanted to check in with you re: maid of honor. My SIL been independently reaching out for planning bachelorette party/other ****. She's quite extroverted and likes that ****. It might be best to have you as a bridesmaid and her maid of honor for the work she wants to put in. I wanted to check in with you though because I wanted your thoughts/avoid potentially being hurtful. Any insight?"
This is when I tell Jane I'm pregnant so it actually works out that her SIL wants to be MOH. (At this point, I'm more annoyed than hurt that she's taking it away from me.) I let her know that I'm due October 12th and that I probably won't be able to make it to her wedding, which was on October 21st.
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Being a maid of honor is a huge commitment. It's not just the wedding day, it's the whole shebang around it. You're responsible for the bride's happiness the whole way down. If you're about to give birth, or just gave birth, you're probably not in a situation to do that for anyone else. So that's why this bride initially reached out to someone else to take on that role. As you'll soon learn, though, that had a way of changing at the last minute. Nobody wants to be left out, but nobody needs extra responsibility either.
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Her response:
"If my wedding is the 21st would you be able to attend at all? It's super important to me that you do but obviously having a child can't be pre-arranged."
I told her that it all depends on when I go into labor, etc... The topic seemed to go by the wayside until the end of that May when I got this text from her:
"You're gonna be my maid of honor. Because you're my bestie and I kinda love the **** out of you. SIL will be matron of honor. According to the internet it's now fairly common to have both. It's as a thanks for her planning bachelorette party and bc she's been a g."
I again explain that I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to her wedding since I'll be 9 days postpartum and won't be able to be away from the baby for that long due to feeding and I won't bring the baby with me since he'll be so new and unvaccinated. I also explain that I wouldn't be able to even get a dress as I won't know that size I will be as well as not feeling comfortable standing in front of people less than 2 weeks after giving birth. I let her know that I want to be a part of anything I can leading up to her wedding.
She says she understands, but then a few hours later I get this:
"Hey I've been really really upset by this. I wholly understand having a kid is tough. Would you be willing to even show up for the vows? It's like a 2 hour commitment including prep time. The only apparel requirement is to generally match a color. You could show up in sweats for all I care. Maybe [name of my husband] or your parents or his parents could watch your baby for a couple hours? I need to know a definite if you're going to be there on my wedding or if I need to figure **** out on my end."
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Some people should learn to just take “no” for an answer. When someone isn't comfortable doing something, they will tell you. You shouldn't push them until they break- that's no way to run a friendship. It happened to be two very big, conflicting days in this pair of friends' lives, and the bride was not willing to cede the way. When you've just given birth, there's not a lot you can do except tend to the baby. She wasn't quite seeming to understand that. Keep reading to see how this story concluded, and then let us know your thoughts in the comments.
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I'm a bit taken aback that she doesn't seem to understand that this isn't like me getting a cavity filled. I responded with:
"I totally get that you're upset, and I'm sorry for that. I really wish I could be there for your wedding, but with the baby coming around the same time, things are going to be pretty intense for me. I don't know how I'll be feeling and don't know how nursing will be. I understand you're asking if I can at least make it for the vows, but honestly, it's going to be tough. I'll be in full-on baby mode, and finding someone to watch the baby isn't even an option. Plus, I'll be exhausted and won't be able to fully enjoy and celebrate with you. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. It's not about not wanting to be there for you—it's just a challenging situation."
She never responded. I ended up not even getting invited to her wedding. Somewhere in there, she vaguely invited me to come dress shopping with her, her mom, SIL and future MIL, but never told me the details. I decided not to ask due to the total unawareness of what being pregnant and giving birth entails. Also, let's say I agreed to being her MOH... my stitches wouldn't have even been out at that time, I wouldn't have been clear to drive yet and her wedding was an hour away (which I know isn't that far, but given that circumstances, it's a big ask). I feel like it would have been worse to have said yes and then not been able to make it. I couldn't help but feel guilty that I was letting her down.
-u/elsarah
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